The Road Not Taken

Happy Mother's Day, All.

At the age of 42, I am often asked, "so, why did you decide not to have any children?" It's a big question. One of the biggest.

Given the last few years of my life, I am glad that I had no children to feel the impacts of Michael's illness. At the same time, I recognize, that had I had children, there would have been no relationship with Michael. He wouldn't have had it; I wouldn't have had it. It wouldn't have been a safe or good choice for nurturing a child.

It's not that I haven't had the opportunity to have children. I've wrestled with that decision in the past, and decided against childbearing for me. There was something more important for my soul driving me down that road...something I needed to learn that I wouldn't learn with children.

Still, I come back to this thought: How much different would my choices have been if there were consequences to someone other than me? How much more gentle would have been my path? How much more would I have stayed out of trouble? How many rules would I have learned to follow?

I think of my own mother. She was married to a brutal, violent man -- David, my father. Visit my essay "The Guns and the Jade Buddha," if you'd like to learn more about my childhood with David. It was okay for her to be brutalized, but when she saw him commit violence against my brother, she left the marriage...at great threatened risk to her safety and ours. But the risk of being raised in violence was much more frightening to her.

So, on this Mother's Day, I think about my own mother. I think about my family. I think about my relation in the world.

I wonder: Who would I have been had I made a different choice?

I know that as I'm in this process of becoming, it will be clearer and clearer to me that everything is as it should be.

Happy Mother's Day to all who visit this space. Celebrate the strength of your mothers, of your fathers, of your family, of your presence.