On Suicide

As time moves forward, many of my friends are dealing with the tragedy that is suicide, I found myself sharing this with a friend.  I do believe it is useful for many.

Michael had been suicidal off and on for much of his adult life. From family, I heard bi-polar. From a former in-patient psychiatrist, I heard narcissitic personality disorder. From the head psychiatrist of the Cleveland Clinic, I heard, "Don't get involved in his games," "he's doing okay now, but you and I know most likely one day he'll drive himself into that bridge," and when he finally died at his own hand, I also heard, "Man, he really had started to show joy and I thought just maybe I thought he'd beat the odds." His primary diagnoses were the entire litany of personality disorders, but I know the root was PTSD. Childhood abuse. Rendered him completely incapable of telling the truth and deeply manipulative if he felt threatened. He felt his whole life was threatened every time he was triggered and fell back into despair. Nonetheless, he was untreatable because he would never discuss the roots of his illness with a doctor. Would self-unmedicate and then go back to his family doc for minimal meds. We know that the hippocampus and amygdala are affected by depression, making the symptoms much worse and causing physical shrinkage of the amygdala and it becomes a viscious cycle. We know that those with untreated depression and bipolar disorder have more volume loss. We also can compare those people to non-depressed immediate family members and not see the same volume loss. We also know that the adrenalin surges of PTSD are so visceral that as the body habituates to reacting like that, no amount of rational thought can stop it. That's one reason why treating people with the kind of trauma that precedes PTSD with blood pressure meds can help them avoid the problem all together. But, over time, if the body reacts that way with triggers, it takes intensive dialectical behavioral therapy and EMDR to have any hope of alleviating that visceral and uncontrollable response. But we also know that psychiatry is often far from science. Far from able, and many people who suffer from psychiatric problems, particularly those with comorbid personality disorders with depression can be difficult to treat. The most powerful thing anyone said to me was my friends' 16 year old autistic kid, Isaac. We were meeting for dinner at a local restaurant and Isaac looked at me in a mirror (they were waiting at the bar, which was mirrored at the time) and said, "Elaine is that you?" I said yes. He turned around, high-fived me and said, "You are not dead." He greeted me like that every time he saw me for about a year after Mike died. I guess for anyone dealing with the suicide of a friend or loved one, you need to know that there was NOTHING she could have done and nothing she did to cause her mom to shoot herself. Eight years after my husband's life, I am still discovering more things that either I can't understand or help fill in more details. There is no way I can ever understand what was in his head, what caused him to do many of the horrendous things he did in his worst moments or what actually caused his decent into mental illness of this type. What they say is frequently deflection from reality. There is nothing rational about it. What I do know is that when a person commits suicide, they are exhausted from the struggle and just can't do it anymore. Mike was such a good man in his better moments.

Reflections of Self

I thought I'd found the love of my life, and as it turned out, what I found was me.
…….

My life has been quietly morphing over the last few years and a recent foot injury forced me to sit down and think about my life and how to live it. Through the injury, physical therapy and physical rehabilitation, I have been reminded of my humble humanity and also learned (or relearned) things about myself, my needs and desires. Much of this learning has happened through interactions with friends both old and new.

It's always been my theory that we form friendships with people who remind us of ourselves and yet offer us something complementary to which we ascribe value. I adore my friends -- my very close friends and my more social friends are some of the best people out there.  In January, I had a need to reach out to my friends to help me because I couldn't walk, couldn't drive, couldn't walk stairs, couldn't walk dogs… and they came to my aid again and again. Being reliant on people was a humbling experience and I can only repay the kindness by continuing to be present and offer myself to the world. At the time that this accident happened, I had recently left a job, finally gotten an ex to get his things out of my house (after nearly a year of trying) was feeling very sad-sap "I have no one" lonely and boy did my attitude change with the way people came to my aid.

During this period of convalescence, I entered my 50th year and decided that I needed to get my shit together and get my life back on track.  I re-engaged with my career and set my boundaries for that work, I started the long process of healing my body from years of neglect and I started thinking about finding a partner. I shifted from wanting entrepreneurial work to wanting work that I could bring to fruition over many years; I shifted from wanting an urban life to wanting land where I could farm and let the dogs run; I began to meet people outside my social circle and think about actually dating for the first time in my life.

So, I reworked my resume, stopped drinking as much, started walking regularly and joined every online dating site that seemed more than just a way to hook-up with a near stranger. I reached out to friends who I hadn't seen because I was embarrassed for myself and healed some near-broken relationships that had suffered during the past boyfriend-work fiasco.  I let people know I loved them and I cheered myself on through rejection -- jobs, people, potential loves.

I went on a few interviews and learned about what I want my life to look like.  When asked the question, "Where do you want to be in five years," my response was simple: working a meaningful job and living a peaceful life.

I invited a few people into my home and learned that I was loved.  My house is  a place where friends randomly stop by, invite me to social events (even at the last minute) and share their own struggles with me in addition to genuinely caring how I'm doing.

I went on a few dates and learned what I want in a partner.  I was both rejected and rejected others.  I really don't like being hurt, but even more, I dislike hurting others. Given my rather … [I don't have language] personality, I realized that given who I am, in order to meet a good long-term love and avoid the massive rejection-rejecting cycle, I need to meet them organically and through interactions where I am actively being my authentic self and, so, I abandoned the online dating.

I recently met someone who presented himself in such a way that I was really taken (and still am in many ways). What I saw in him was truly a reflection of myself.  My subconscious reaching out and asserting itself so I could move forward.

Our interaction reminded me of my true self; my higher self with the experience and discernment of a nearly 50 year old woman.  Although it was a brief, but deeply meaningful interaction, I learned what I am looking for in a partner, which is much different than the 20- and 30- something year old kid wanted.

I am no longer the widow, still feeling the deep trauma of a suicidal husband.  I have returned to a whole, wizened and strong person who is blessed with a wonderful, strange and thriving life.

What do I want?  Deep, fierce love.  Comfort.  A peaceful home. Friends coming and going and work that makes me feel as though this short life matters.  My partner will have experienced the dark side of life and still chooses the light.  He will be willing to put his hands in the mud and blood of life and not look away even when deeply painful. My partner will be curious and try to understand the world around him including those who are philosophically different.  My partner will accept people's humanity and uniqueness.  My partner will revel in our differentness. He will be madly intelligent, be able to keep confidences, be independent, be thoughtful, imperfect and deliberate.  He will be deeply kind. We will not be teaching each other, but we will be constantly learning together.

And so, within that brief contact with a lovely human being who is out of reach, was my true self making a friend and seeing  that self in his eyes just as I would like to be and with my whole life flourishing.  For that, I will be eternally grateful.
…….

On that note, I close with the following: when I was a young adult, I made many bad love choices by trying to heal the broken.  I fell in love with this song and would listen to this song and think of a troubled lover and how I could fix them.  Today, when I hear this song -- when I sing along with this song -- I sing it to myself recognizing my wounds, my imperfections and my desire for me to thrive.

U2, Bad. (Unforgettable Fire)

Every once in a while you get a glimpse of the future that you wish you could have.  This week, I had just that experience. I may have met (though virtually) the love of my life.  But, life is about timing and survival, and sometimes they stand in the way.  While I remain hopeful, I recognize that so very many things I don't understand are out of my control.