Receiving/Listening

Yesterday I began the process of closing Michael's estate. It was a deeply sad reflection on loss and tragedy; about his inability to receive love or gifts. In my own way, I was experiencing the same thing as I became overwhelmed with the sense of sadness for the violence; for the loss of life. There was a period in the day yesterday afternoon where I went back to that moment that I opened the garage door fully knowing, saw him slumped over in the car, pounded on the roof of that car yelling at him for what he had done, fell to my knees on the floor of my house sobbing and screaming while on hold with 911, walked outside to find the house surrounded by friends and neighbors.

The 911 operator asked me to give him CPR. No, he's been dead for hours. No, this is the sixth suicide attempt in three years. No, he wanted to die. He was dead. He needed to be dead.

They say that it is impossible to love if you can't first love yourself. I'm not so sure that is true. Yes, Michael could love. His tragedy was that he could or would not fully receive love.

I've spent the last 6 months wrestling with a feeling of unfairness that I received the estate through such tragedy. I've spent my childhood having things, money, school, and even love threatened and taken away. I've developed a hard core around receiving in order to not be hurt by the giver. I do give with great generosity; but I am in the process of learning how to receive.

But these are the years of my so-called "midlifecrisis" -- for my kundalini rising. These are the years to find relief from that fear of loss. These are the years of developing groundedness and moving from being a martyr without a cause to a champion for a cause. These are the years where I learn to discern between what is right for me and what my impulses would tell me is right for me. These are the years where I am coming into my true self and healing from the wounds of the past. These are the years of rewriting my story.

Last night, in the midst of great sadness and a strong desire to retreat to a place of 'safety' and isolation, Jack broke through. I realized the love that was there and I, probably for the first time in my life, received comfort in being in that place. This morning I've been reflecting on the importance of receiving gifts. The gifts of security that Michael gave me are what he wanted me to have. That is why he insisted on marrying me -- because he wanted to take care of me and his money provided him his only sense of self-worth. The gift of love is what Jack was offering me; it is the gift he was working so hard to find a way for me to receive.

The experience of being heard; of being received...these are the things that allow us to know that we are connected. These are the things that allow us to feel grounded. Being open to hearing and receiving gifts is how we let people know meaningful the they are to us. These are the things that allow us to share our gratitude.

In that way, receiving is like listening; giving like talking.