The End of Procrastination

There comes a point in time when most people move through the level of maturity knowing meeting obligations brings pleasure. There comes that point in time where maturity allows for prioritization over procrastination; where the dull fear of outcome is overcome by the simple need to release the burden of the act of completing the task.

There comes a time when you just do it and you do it well.

My time is now. It has taken only 42 years and a great deal of learning to get to the point where I have faith in myself to just do it, to take care of business, to meet my obligations (specifically to myself).

I have a tinge of envy when I meet young people who seem always to meet deadlines and who take on responsibilities seemingly beyond their years. Interesting that our different stories we had about ourselves as children must have impacted our ability to be on point, on deadline and on time. The legacy of my childhood allowed me to always show in emergency, I have learned to show up reliably for other people.

Today my story creates the structure to show up for myself.

Nahala -- One Year

One year has passed; all four seasons.

One year ago October 22nd was a balmy 80 degree day in Cleveland. Funny how Michael lost the ability to feel the temperature sometime during that summer and ran around in that same sweater (or OSU sweatshirt) regardless of how warm it was outside.

Michael lived only to make sure I was okay. He lived to make me breakfast, to keep me company, to make sure I was able to move through the pain of losing my job; to find another; to regain a sense of purpose. He said so. He was good company. At times it was joyful; at times excruciating. His life was about doing things that he felt would make me happy. He loved me dearly.

Eventually, I found a wonderful job in Washington DC with the American Chemical Society. I was to start work in early November. We were both excited for the opportunity, for the adventure, for life in a new place. He was truly excited for me. He seemed excited too, except that he'd grown increasingly uncommunicative as October progressed. He had grown tired and was experiencing some pretty severe memory loss and functionality. I was concerned for him. We talked about not taking the job. He insisted that he, in fact we, would be fine and we'd have a great time in DC.

One year ago October 22nd I was leaving the U-Street Corridor where I was visiting my apartment that I had rented -- sight unseen -- for the first year. It was an even hotter day in DC. The miles seemed to stretch longer as the drive back to Ohio proceeded with no communication from Michael. It could have been normal -- there was a dog walking, a vet appointment for Orange, teaching two classes, maybe lunch with Tom from Fairhill Center. But around 4 p.m., with no word since the going to bed the night before, remembering the eerie sound in his voice (a sound that I had never heard before) the heaviness of dread settled in. Like the time of his first suicide attempt in May 2004, I steadied myself for what might be next.

I knew what those minutes of calling 911 would be like. I knew when I found him, it would be his last emergency trip to the doctor...yes, this time would be his last. In the past four years, there had been ten emergency room visits with him psychotic and/or suicidal. This time would be his last. This time it would be a trip to the doctors at the county coroner's office. I didn't know how I would find him, where he would be, what I would do...after. But I did know how it would feel to make the call. It was too late to do anything but let him go. This was the time everything would change.

I know that in this life, there are two things: love and loss. That had become abundantly clear to me over the last few years; in the time of loving and caring for Michael. I believe that we have the great opportunity to love and the responsibility to understand the impermanence of life. Nothing we love will be the way it is forever. Everything; everyone breaks down, moves, changes, and the living do eventually die. Even lifelong friendships, loves and family ties end in death.

What I learned about life is that there are some events that are the catalyst to making everything change. What I learned about friends is that they have an astounding ability to rally around you. What I learned about myself is that it is essential that I celebrate life; that I invest fully in life and the living because life is often much too short. What I learned about my place in this world is to keep my eyes and my heart open for its infinite possibilities and beauty.

Tonight, Michael's Yartzeit (or nahala in Ladino for the Sephardic Jews like my family) I meet with Cleveland friends over dinner to celebrate the struggle of life and the continuation of love. Saturday, October 25th is Michael's birthday. That evening I will celebrate my new home with my Columbus friends. We will celebrate each other, enjoy good food, raise a toast to our joy; to Michael's joy.

I feel as though my new life is the legacy to that joy.

How am I different? Everything has changed.

What I know is simply what is now.

Bicycling in Boston

Last weekend we went to Boston for a short vacation. On Sunday, we rented bikes and tooled around the city. It was amazing how much we saw in three hours.

What was more amazing was trying to follow this maniac who refused to follow the rules of the road and waved at every human being we passed.

Even more amazing was that he never once lost his hat.

(Picture from iPhone Sketches, drawn by J/Z, "My image of what following me looked like to you.")

Yeah. He surely captured the feeling of the day. It was great fun.

Emptiness & Impermanence

Fullness.

It is the natural companion of emptiness.

It is the joy of impermanence.

Yesterday, we experienced Tibetan Monks performing the Medicine Buddha Healing Ceremony and the dismantling of the sand mandala (compassion) they created in 36 hours at Vets Memorial Convention Center.

Fullness as we live in what is now.

Emptiness as we recognize the beauty that creates our world.

Impermanence as we embrace the coolness of autumn.

Positioning Our Strengths

Strength: Merriam-Webster, noun 4b: "a strong attribute or inherent asset."

The new jargon in leadership development dances with the idea the fine leaders nurture strength; it recognizes attributes (not deficiencies) and supports the qualities inherent in developing assets.

Leaders embrace difference; they embrace diversity; they embrace change. Leaders don't tear down to build new -- they asses existing assets, imagine possibilities, engage what is different just as brick is different than mortar.

As we go into this election for our next U.S. President, I hope to see the change where our leaders are inspiring the entire country rather than tearing at the fabric of the other side.

On Self-Knowledge

Say not "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

NOW

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?” Rabbi Hillel

Circle the Wagons

I am not so much one for being politic, but I have tremendous difficulty adapting when a colleague (purporting to have the same goal) continuously acts in opposition to our organizational goals; when that colleague undermines not only our actions, but the people with whom he works -- superiors and underlings alike.

But when that colleague is the second in the pair of us who are the "experts" in our combined work, it makes it even more difficult for me. It causes me to focus efforts on damage control and takes time away getting work accomplished...it has the potential to stand in the way of my ability to effectively support our team.

It undermines our agency's reputation in the field, with our colleagues, with our clients.

Sometimes it is important to stand up for the greater good at every expense. Sometimes this independence is in dissonance with what is truly in the highest good. Sometimes it is good to develop consensus and circle the wagons.

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"He only has power if the entire group is fragmented or divided by him."~J/Z