Haiku: 11.9.09

communication vanished

a vain attempt to heal old scarred wounds

hope lost

Going Toward (as in not running from)

Yeah, I'm told the thing to do is to make change when you are "going toward" something, not because you just want to get away from something.

...even when it's "Going Toward Quiet."

This beautiful mind needs a quiet mind and this beautiful mind is not quite yet healed enough to deal with the bizarre rigors of working with the co-dependent, needy or non-transparent; particularly when I've got a big job to do.   Or, maybe it's just that this beautiful mind can't work among those who are frozen in time; neither running away nor going toward.

As much as I am certain that this is the best approach, this "going toward," I'm not sure that it is, in fact, that it is substantially different than "running from."  It's a matter of perspective; a change-up of coordinate system.  At the same time, I recognize that if I go toward quiet, I may not actually be running from noise.

The difference is the endpoint:  Going Toward has responsibility for the goal...Running From is without direction, without responsibility, without an end-goal in mind.

So, maybe if I leave my job because I am going toward quiet and peace, I am held responsible for obtaining the quiet and peace.  If I leave because I am going toward a leadership position, it is my responsibility to get it.  If I leave because I am going toward my new business, then this new enterprise focused on community development thrives.

It isn't running from.  That's what Michael did.  It cost him his life.

That's not me: I AM of this life.

And I think I just wrote my resignation letter.

Passing...2 years have passed

Two years have passed and I am in the middle of a two-week sabbatical from work.  For the first time in many years, this time actually feels my own.  The result of that is that the detail I see in my world is different than it has been; like a new experience with new details and new connections.  I am reconnecting with old friends; connecting with new friends...and enjoying life as it is.

Michael, it has been two years since we lost your presence, but we still carry your spirit in our hearts.  Although we miss you, we experiencing your gifts and your love continuing to care for us, connect us, and teach us.

I Wish

I wish I had the naivete to believe that wind turbines, solar panels or fuel cells could solve the problems of the world.

I wish I had the spirit to accept love without accessing risk.

I wish I was me...in a different place, different time, different life.

Perhaps I would look at this whole thing differently.

sharp

After a period of rest, food and love, I have found my tools...I found my rasp.

I sharpen my scythe...

For a new harvest; for a new life.

About the Children

One of my favorite topics of conversation is religion and philosophy. Understanding people with a different point of view than I have is very important for my continual growth and development of compassion. Often these topics come up in the most innocent places and take the most unexpected twists and turns.

A few days ago I had the pleasure of talking with someone who worked as a missionary with the Church of Latter Day Saints (you might also know this as the Mormon Church). We discussed proselytizing and evangelism; we discussed the many approaches of the religious sects that do so. We talked about the variety of interpretations of Christianity, of the word and of the variety of bibles that were testament of Christ. We talked about religion and ritual. I learned that Mormon belief is that those people who live a kind and compassionate life are welcomed to heaven; that they have a fairly progressive view of heaven and hell.

I shared some of my many conversations with neighborhood Jehovah's Witnesses that visited my home and the interesting conversations I've had with them (certainly not fruitful for them in gaining a new member, but always interesting). I related a story about the two women that visited me when I lived in Cleveland Heights and asked, "Do you ever wonder whether you will see your loved ones who have died again?" My response, a succinct, "No." I thought that was an interesting approach to a front-door evangelical discussion; one I had never heard. They were honestly surprised, perhaps stunned and this lead to a conversation about my world view.

The conversation with my missionary friend continued.

I shared with him a story about my dear friends, a couple who are "Bible-based" Christians; she Calvanist and he a little less conservative and the fact they do believe that only those who accept Christ as an adult would go to heaven. I described my disbelief, when she told me that, yes indeed, she believed I was going to hell and was pretty nonplussed about it. Given my understanding of hell, I would think it would really bother her. I shared about how tragic it was to think that when she lost a pregnancy at the 16th week, she birthed the girl baby, she and her husband named and buried her. And this baby, according to their faith would spend eternity in hell. So very tragic.

This is when my missionary friend said, "That is what those women who came to your house wanted to talk about. Their goal was to give people who believed that children, the mentally challenged, those of other religions...they don't necessarily go to hell. That people will meet again in heaven...that you don't have to live with the risk of such a tragedy."

I found that profoundly moving.

Home

Home is a place where I enjoy the solace of great quietude. The busy-ness of the day; the noise of confusion; the chaos of too many tasks to do within too little time melts into a love of food, of life of simplicity.

My home is a place of balance.

For this, I am grateful.