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Discernment...Pull Line and Cut Bait

“Before enlightenment carry water and chop wood. After enlightenment, carry water and chop wood.” Wu Li

Back in the summer of 2006, it was gracefully suggested to me that my purpose between then and the spring of 2009 was developing discernment...this was the last piece of the puzzle that I would need to do my work. Yeah, there were a number of other things first, but in the end, I needed to be very mindful that discernment, for me, was the thing.

So, today, I ask myself...am I practicing discernment in my decisions? In my life choices? What is the foundation of this discernment?

In some ways I see the success; in others, I know that opportunities for practice abound.

Before discernment: observe -- know your heart -- decide; after discernment: observe -- know your heart -- decide.

Spring Yard

2009...my second post...still adjusting to this new life

I spent the weekend clearing the yard of winter's decay. It's my first early spring in this new house. I was surprised and pleased to find moist cool soil that was easily weeded, my two goldfish alive and swimming in my small pond, witch hazel blooming, daffodils peaking out of the ground...I am looking forward to the daily changes of this garden so filled with color and life.

I remember the house in Cleveland. My garden was planted in July 2006. Every morning with cups of coffee and every evening with a glasses of wine, we would survey the changes in the garden and always noticed something. For me, the excitement was in seeing how in just a few short hours there could be substantial change in the plants (I think of the mid-spring asparagus, sometimes growing 6 inches by the end of the day). For Michael, it was being with me, watching me being excited by the garden.

It seemed like such a big thing, this little tradition. I continue the coffee tour and the wine tour in this new space; in this new life.

I carry with me the past that brought me here. Some parts joyful; other parts melancholy. Yet I note: each morning I rise from bed and look deeply at myself and am amazed with life's changes and my energy to tackle the day; each evening I relax, heal and nurture myself for another day...every day growing a little bit; every day changing.

First Post -- Questions for the New Year

It's February 1st, and this is my first post of the 2009.

I was thinking about that this morning...I've been blogging since 2006, writing regularly, but sometimes I let it sit. It is that I have little to write; few insights to share. It is that I have urge to pen; no thoughts spinning around looking for a place to land.

So, today, as the the city thaws, the ice melts, and the snow slides off of my slate roof and crashes decidedly to the ground, I feel this fog of tentativeness lifting.

When I haven't anything to write, it is that I have no clarity, I have no attachment to what is now, I have too much work and not enough decompression. I have just enough energy to complete the tasks and hand and move on to the next.

And, I question that. I question the value in that. I look deep inside myself for my own remedy as this world is not going to wrap it up and leave it as a sparkling package on my front door. At least not obviously. As I move into this new year, I approach it with questions: Who am I? What do I value? How do I ensure I move in harmony and joy with this world?

The answers are only a few moments of quiet away.

The Guns and the Jade Buddha

(Repost from my first blog in honor of greeting the new year with our eyes open)

I remember the room with the toy closet. It was my father's bedroom in my grandfather's house. The desk, the electric keyboard…there were a few of my father's things he kept in his childhood room at his father's house.

There was a dresser with a number of jade sculptures including a sitting Buddha...he was smiling. This Buddha was rather large. In my memory he sat at least 18 inches tall. I liked the way the jade felt...so soft and tough at the same time. It was a curiosity to me -- what was this Buddha all about? How does Buddha fit into life? I was an avid reader and I read as much as I could find about it and surely my learning about other cultures, religions and spiritual practices began there.

I also remember the gun racks. There were two, each holding at least a dozen antique shotguns and rifles. It was hard to even look at those racks as a young child. The intention of their presence filled the whole house, not only that bedroom. The guns created the bass notes for everything I felt while being in the house: they resonated with the rhythms of cold violence. At the heart of this beating pulse was a darkness upon which the potentials of beauty, learning, and even spirituality could not be laid.

Instead there was this dichotomy; this incongruity. All still incomprehensible today.

My father was a man I never knew; one no one ever really knew...and there is no possible way to know now.

Who might he have become had he been raised by different people? As today I stand on the razor's edge, Krittika, with certainty I see -- he would have been more like me. He would have understood the darkness as a vehicle for transformation and for reaching higher good instead of using it in the ways that he chose. He would have been fully human; but he was not. He might have been knowable; but he was not. Still, I remain grateful to him for all that I am. Only because of who I am must I stand on that razor's edge. Only because I am there do I know both darkness and light.

I watch shadows play in the brilliance of the day; I squint at the brightness that creeps into the darkest of corners of the night. I remain in balance...I remain aware. I remain knowable.

I remain present.

The guns and the jade Buddha: they are in the same room.

Be ever mindful. Walk with joy.
___________

Vajrapani (artwork by Dhyana Zagri) -- Vajrapani, Guardian of the Dharma, is the Destroyer of obstacles. He is one of 3 celestial bodhisattvas or archangelic protectors. A bodhisattva is one who has chosen to reincarnate in order to show the path to Nirvana or enlightenment. Vajrapani is the holder of the Diamond Thunderbolt or Vajra (symbolizing the power of compassion) an emblem of the concentrated power of the Buddha and the Vajrayana way. He is said to be the last Buddha to appear in this world cycle, wears long snake necklace and tiger skin loin cloth, symbolizing the conquest of anger. In his hand he holds the Vajra or Dorje in Tibetan, which is the quintessential symbol of the ‘diamond vehicle’ or the Tantric Vajrayana Buddhist path.

FallOut

NEW YORK (AP) — The founder of an investment fund that lost $1.4 billion with Bernard Madoff was discovered dead Tuesday after committing suicide at his Manhattan office, marking a grim turn in a scandal that has left investors around the world in financial ruin.

Rene-Thierry Magon de la Villehuchet, 65, was found sitting at his desk at about 8 a.m. with both wrists slashed, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. A box cutter was found on the floor along with a bottle of sleeping pills on his desk. No suicide note was found.

Sad indeed...

Could this be any one of us? I am mindful that it can be.

Trust and Teenage "Don't Tell Mom"

"Trust what can be trusted
Offer what can be offered
Ask for what can be given
Make clear how we want to be predictable & unpredictable." twitter.com/consciousjack

I was reading Tuesday's NYTimes when I can across the article, "What to do if Patient Says, 'Don't Tell Mom,' " and thinking about my friend Samantha and issues with her 10 year old Noah when I recognized myself in the article.

At nearly 17, I nearly lost my life. The situation that precipitated the illness was one of a lack of trust. Mom didn't trust me; I didn't trust Mom. Interestingly, I was not offered an obvious place to put my trust and the doctor that saved my life was her doc and I did not feel comfortable to trust; so much so that I lost my interest in medicine as a vocation.

As I was healing, my interaction with him was tenuous at best. I was completely honest and trustworthy with information I was willing to share. I was untrusting with the unpredictability of the relationship between the doc and my mother and I did share what I could comfortably with him. He didn't trust me because he knew I was withholding information from him.

As I look back, it was the lack of clarity of the relationship we had with each other of predictable and unpredictable behavior that guided our interaction -- from my experience, it was not possible how to know when people were being predictable or unpredictable. When I trusted, I had been let down...very much so. It was impossible to know what information could be trusted or not.

Later, when I was given an opportunity to trust, I could not see it. I didn't have a clear understanding of how to trust:

"Trust what can be trusted
Offer what can be offered
Ask for what can be given
Make clear how we want to be predictable & unpredictable."