On Suicide

As time moves forward, many of my friends are dealing with the tragedy that is suicide, I found myself sharing this with a friend.  I do believe it is useful for many.

Michael had been suicidal off and on for much of his adult life. From family, I heard bi-polar. From a former in-patient psychiatrist, I heard narcissitic personality disorder. From the head psychiatrist of the Cleveland Clinic, I heard, "Don't get involved in his games," "he's doing okay now, but you and I know most likely one day he'll drive himself into that bridge," and when he finally died at his own hand, I also heard, "Man, he really had started to show joy and I thought just maybe I thought he'd beat the odds." His primary diagnoses were the entire litany of personality disorders, but I know the root was PTSD. Childhood abuse. Rendered him completely incapable of telling the truth and deeply manipulative if he felt threatened. He felt his whole life was threatened every time he was triggered and fell back into despair. Nonetheless, he was untreatable because he would never discuss the roots of his illness with a doctor. Would self-unmedicate and then go back to his family doc for minimal meds. We know that the hippocampus and amygdala are affected by depression, making the symptoms much worse and causing physical shrinkage of the amygdala and it becomes a viscious cycle. We know that those with untreated depression and bipolar disorder have more volume loss. We also can compare those people to non-depressed immediate family members and not see the same volume loss. We also know that the adrenalin surges of PTSD are so visceral that as the body habituates to reacting like that, no amount of rational thought can stop it. That's one reason why treating people with the kind of trauma that precedes PTSD with blood pressure meds can help them avoid the problem all together. But, over time, if the body reacts that way with triggers, it takes intensive dialectical behavioral therapy and EMDR to have any hope of alleviating that visceral and uncontrollable response. But we also know that psychiatry is often far from science. Far from able, and many people who suffer from psychiatric problems, particularly those with comorbid personality disorders with depression can be difficult to treat. The most powerful thing anyone said to me was my friends' 16 year old autistic kid, Isaac. We were meeting for dinner at a local restaurant and Isaac looked at me in a mirror (they were waiting at the bar, which was mirrored at the time) and said, "Elaine is that you?" I said yes. He turned around, high-fived me and said, "You are not dead." He greeted me like that every time he saw me for about a year after Mike died. I guess for anyone dealing with the suicide of a friend or loved one, you need to know that there was NOTHING she could have done and nothing she did to cause her mom to shoot herself. Eight years after my husband's life, I am still discovering more things that either I can't understand or help fill in more details. There is no way I can ever understand what was in his head, what caused him to do many of the horrendous things he did in his worst moments or what actually caused his decent into mental illness of this type. What they say is frequently deflection from reality. There is nothing rational about it. What I do know is that when a person commits suicide, they are exhausted from the struggle and just can't do it anymore. Mike was such a good man in his better moments.

Reflections of Self

I thought I'd found the love of my life, and as it turned out, what I found was me.
…….

My life has been quietly morphing over the last few years and a recent foot injury forced me to sit down and think about my life and how to live it. Through the injury, physical therapy and physical rehabilitation, I have been reminded of my humble humanity and also learned (or relearned) things about myself, my needs and desires. Much of this learning has happened through interactions with friends both old and new.

It's always been my theory that we form friendships with people who remind us of ourselves and yet offer us something complementary to which we ascribe value. I adore my friends -- my very close friends and my more social friends are some of the best people out there.  In January, I had a need to reach out to my friends to help me because I couldn't walk, couldn't drive, couldn't walk stairs, couldn't walk dogs… and they came to my aid again and again. Being reliant on people was a humbling experience and I can only repay the kindness by continuing to be present and offer myself to the world. At the time that this accident happened, I had recently left a job, finally gotten an ex to get his things out of my house (after nearly a year of trying) was feeling very sad-sap "I have no one" lonely and boy did my attitude change with the way people came to my aid.

During this period of convalescence, I entered my 50th year and decided that I needed to get my shit together and get my life back on track.  I re-engaged with my career and set my boundaries for that work, I started the long process of healing my body from years of neglect and I started thinking about finding a partner. I shifted from wanting entrepreneurial work to wanting work that I could bring to fruition over many years; I shifted from wanting an urban life to wanting land where I could farm and let the dogs run; I began to meet people outside my social circle and think about actually dating for the first time in my life.

So, I reworked my resume, stopped drinking as much, started walking regularly and joined every online dating site that seemed more than just a way to hook-up with a near stranger. I reached out to friends who I hadn't seen because I was embarrassed for myself and healed some near-broken relationships that had suffered during the past boyfriend-work fiasco.  I let people know I loved them and I cheered myself on through rejection -- jobs, people, potential loves.

I went on a few interviews and learned about what I want my life to look like.  When asked the question, "Where do you want to be in five years," my response was simple: working a meaningful job and living a peaceful life.

I invited a few people into my home and learned that I was loved.  My house is  a place where friends randomly stop by, invite me to social events (even at the last minute) and share their own struggles with me in addition to genuinely caring how I'm doing.

I went on a few dates and learned what I want in a partner.  I was both rejected and rejected others.  I really don't like being hurt, but even more, I dislike hurting others. Given my rather … [I don't have language] personality, I realized that given who I am, in order to meet a good long-term love and avoid the massive rejection-rejecting cycle, I need to meet them organically and through interactions where I am actively being my authentic self and, so, I abandoned the online dating.

I recently met someone who presented himself in such a way that I was really taken (and still am in many ways). What I saw in him was truly a reflection of myself.  My subconscious reaching out and asserting itself so I could move forward.

Our interaction reminded me of my true self; my higher self with the experience and discernment of a nearly 50 year old woman.  Although it was a brief, but deeply meaningful interaction, I learned what I am looking for in a partner, which is much different than the 20- and 30- something year old kid wanted.

I am no longer the widow, still feeling the deep trauma of a suicidal husband.  I have returned to a whole, wizened and strong person who is blessed with a wonderful, strange and thriving life.

What do I want?  Deep, fierce love.  Comfort.  A peaceful home. Friends coming and going and work that makes me feel as though this short life matters.  My partner will have experienced the dark side of life and still chooses the light.  He will be willing to put his hands in the mud and blood of life and not look away even when deeply painful. My partner will be curious and try to understand the world around him including those who are philosophically different.  My partner will accept people's humanity and uniqueness.  My partner will revel in our differentness. He will be madly intelligent, be able to keep confidences, be independent, be thoughtful, imperfect and deliberate.  He will be deeply kind. We will not be teaching each other, but we will be constantly learning together.

And so, within that brief contact with a lovely human being who is out of reach, was my true self making a friend and seeing  that self in his eyes just as I would like to be and with my whole life flourishing.  For that, I will be eternally grateful.
…….

On that note, I close with the following: when I was a young adult, I made many bad love choices by trying to heal the broken.  I fell in love with this song and would listen to this song and think of a troubled lover and how I could fix them.  Today, when I hear this song -- when I sing along with this song -- I sing it to myself recognizing my wounds, my imperfections and my desire for me to thrive.

U2, Bad. (Unforgettable Fire)

Every once in a while you get a glimpse of the future that you wish you could have.  This week, I had just that experience. I may have met (though virtually) the love of my life.  But, life is about timing and survival, and sometimes they stand in the way.  While I remain hopeful, I recognize that so very many things I don't understand are out of my control.

Opening New Doors

Living in Cleveland again was hard, but I'm glad I did it and closed a few chapters.  Now, I'm on to new adventures, opening new doors… grateful for responsible renters and all of my friends everywhere.  Namaste.

So, I had a stroke... at such a young age that they are looking for causes.  No lasting impacts, but still there is the concern about why.  The stress I've been under for the last many years may be the cause or may simply compounded whatever neurological issues are going on with me.  Once I am a bit better, I am going to the police station to report the person who tried to run me down in the parking lot and initiate a restraining order.

For now, I will sit in my lovely back yard on a gorgeous day and watch the dogs play amidst the falling flowers from my oak tree.

Life is alright.

PTSD settles in and makes its nest in my Home

-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..

June 9, 2009

Texas Department of Criminal Justice, Parole Division
c/o Angela McCown, Director
Victim Services Division
8712 Shoal Creek Blvd., Suite 265
Austin, TX 78757-6899

Re: Offender Donald Renard McWilliam, TDCJ ID: 00566921

Dear Ms. McCown and the TDCJ Parole Board,

I am writing in regard to the parole application for Donald Renard McWilliam. 

On August 23, 1989, Mr. McWilliam brutally murdered Kathy Lynn Alley. He broke in to her house, waited for her to come home from work and attacked her. He stole her car and her jewelry and bragged to his cousin who lived nearby in the same gated condominium complex that he “shot [and maybe killed] that white bitch.” Kathy called 911 and remained alert long enough to clearly identify her assailant to an officer at the hospital. She died in the hospital during emergency surgery to treat multiple gunshot wounds. Her words were so profound and from such a place of truth that they served to aid in Mr. McWilliam’s conviction. Kathy was buried 3 days later on her 33rd birthday. 

I respectfully request that Donald Renard McWilliam’s parole be denied.

Although I did not know Kathy prior to her murder, I feel like I know her very well. I am writing on behalf of my husband, Michael Angelo Salva, who was her long-time fiancée prior to her death. I was Michael’s love and partner during the last 7 years of his life. Michael carried the burden of her murder in his heart until he committed suicide on October 22, 2007, three days before his 58th birthday. 

Michael was the oldest of 11 children and the primary caretaker of his siblings. Michael’s father had taken a traveling job and his mother was unable to handle the care of the children by herself, so Michael was burdened with the responsibility of their care from the age of 4. As years passed, the family grew and his responsibilities grew with them. When he graduated from high school with honors and with national records in track and field he left home, went to college and became successful engineer working all over the Americas in the oil industry. He later became the vice president of energy lending at a leading bank in Texas. This was the position he held at the time of Kathy’s murder.

Although he lived far away from his family, Michael was the caretaker of his siblings throughout much of the first 40 years of his life. He remained so until his severe emotional breakdown following Kathy’s murder. According to the best minds in psychiatry, including the Chief of Psychiatry at The Cleveland Clinic, Dr. George Tesar, diagnosis was difficult as his illness was compounded by some type of personality disorder arising from his lack of a childhood freedom and childlike learning experiences. He had no ability to transcend the imperfections of life, let alone a violent act such as the murder of his love. The shock of the brutal murder compounded by the effects of his childhood resulted in a very difficult case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression. Any exacerbation of his condition – anything that frightened him – caused him to become immediately fearful and psychotic and his illness always presented with suicidal ideation. He felt responsible for Kathy’s murder just as he had been responsible for everything that was amiss in his childhood; this violence was unfathomable – he was inconsolable; unreachable. He once described himself as “a wounded antelope being hunted by a pride of lions.”

Immediately following Kathy’s murder, Michael spent 4 years in intensive treatment for his illness. As I understand it, he would seem “fine” for a few years, and there would be a triggering event and he would end up back in the hospital, on medical disability for an extended period of time and eventually make his way back to functionality. But, as anyone who has dealt with life long psychiatric illness knows, as this cycle repeats and it includes depression, there are physical impacts that take a toll on the patient’s long term ability to recover. 

In November 2003, Michael received notice that Donald Renard McWilliams would be eligible for parole for the first time during his incarceration for Kathy Alley’s murder. Michael composed drafts of his victim impact letter over and over between November 2003 and April 2004. He was never truly able to share the impact of this murder on his life with the TDCJ parole board. To him, the impact was the loss of a beautiful life. To me, the impact was the loss of two beautiful lives. He was a sweet and loving man. She was a sweet and loving woman.

During those few months in late 2003 to early 2004, the PTSD-suicide spiral wound itself up again. Between April 2004 and his death nearly four years later, he was hospitalized 9 times for psychosis, depression and/or suicide attempts. Most of the time, he did not leave a suicide note. When he did write a note, he expressed continuing great sorrow and an irrational sense of responsibility for the brutal way his love Kathy was murdered. He wished he could have been there to defend her, to save her, or to have his life taken instead of hers. About three years prior to his death, he left a note for me on the computer, but it simply stated how much he loved me and how tired he was.

Michael’s 10th emergency trip during this time was different. It was a visit to Dr. Balraj at the Cuyahoga County Coroners Office. He died of his own hand, in our garage of asphyxiation from carbon monoxide. 

Michael Angelo Salva was a victim of the very same violence that took the life of Kathy Lynn Alley. It reached into his life and changed everything that he was; everything that he knew. A victim of childhood violence himself, he did not use this as an excuse for becoming violent or brutal. He internalized the violent act of Kathy’s murder and it resonated within his resulting illness. This eventually destroyed him. That same violence reached into my life and changed everything that I am. 

Michael was cremated on what would have been his 58th birthday.

With immense respect for life, love and beauty; with a strong conviction that violence is not the solution for violence, I am grateful that Mr. McWilliam may live a full life. I believe that from his life we may learn how to better prevent violence. I believe that within his own life he has found a physical place where violence can no longer be a means of pleasure. This is a change since his first parole hearing. In fact, at that time Mr. McWilliam had been in the Texas Department of Corrections for 15 years. He had over 1400 misconduct days on record. 

Today, I spoke with Dawanda at the TDCJ Victim Services desk. She reported that he “has no additional lost days since his parole hearing.” His status has been improved to a State Trustee Class 4 (as opposed to a member of the Disciplinary Class). This is still within the locked and guarded security offered at the TDCJ Stiles Unit prison, but he is making some contribution. He is learning to be a part of a community. I don’t know Mr. McWilliam and I cannot imagine what inspired this change, but I am filled with gratitude that no one else has been harmed by his hand. I am filled with gratitude that he may, in fact, be part of a different kind of community within which understanding him we may search for answers for the rampant violence both inside and outside of those locked doors.

Still, allowing Donald Renard McWilliam to leave prison and reenter general society would indeed put innocent people at risk of being victims of violence. By murdering Kathy Lynn Alley, by being convicted of sexual assault (and two other felonies in addition to this murder), by his behavior during his first 15 years in prison, and by still having very limited prison privileges, TDCJ still believes him to be capable of great violence; he has demonstrated that he is capable of great violence. A quick review of Texas’ Death Row list shows men and women who have perpetrated crimes that are in fact heinous, yet no more heinous than his. Unless proven innocent, they will surely never set a free foot back into society and neither should Mr. McWilliam. 

Donald Renard McWilliam does have a burden to carry as a result of his crimes. He does not need to return to society to repay his debt to society. Mr. McWilliam has no debt to repay to society as there is no payment that would be just; but he does have a debt that can and must be repaid by working with and for his fellow inmates for the full extent of his sentence which may, in fact, be the rest of his life. What he owes is to his peers. What he owes is the understanding and sharing of whatever brought him to this state of greater peace and he owes it to his fellow inmates. Through that he may rehabilitate the life of another man in the hope that neither would ever spill another human being’s blood. Through that, he may touch a life. Through that, he may lead another man to his soul. 

Through that gift Donald Renard McWilliam does positively impact the community of humanity.

Every act of violence resonates deeply through the souls and psyches of everyone connected to the act. This violence is all of us. When one of us dies from the hand of violence all living beings are impacted. 

Based on the crime itself, based on the healing required by everyone touched by the violent murder of Kathy Lynn Alley, based on his violent history in prison and based on the ways in which his life might provide the most value and joy to his community and to our society, I implore you to deny parole to Donald Renard McWilliam.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Respectfully yours,


Elaine Lipman Barnes

while today it is mostly rage
         on another day I will wake up
                         and look at the light


                         and look at you



in a new kind of calm